first love, things could be worse 01 Jun 2012 | Posted by itwillpass11	01 Jun 2012 06:06 PM
	hey everyone, Longtime lurker but just created my account. So here is the deal I am 25/m and I can't get over my first real relationship. since I was in high school I have had a huge crush on this girl and to this day I still think about her on a daily basis. We became friends in HS and remain friends to this day. I had always like her but never really had the courage to ask her out or to tell her how I felt, especially when at the time I found out that she has been in a long term relationship. We stayed friends hung out, went on trips together, talked and even visited her several times when she moved away to college. She was everything I wanted in a relationship/friendship but I could not have it. Looking back on how it affected me I did not date other people because I wanted her and believed so much that she was the 'one' for me and I was willing to do what it took and wait however long. Fast forward to about 2 years ago, her relationship went south and she was single. It wasn't until around that time that it was revealed that we both had a crush on each other for a long time but because of circumstances it wasn't going to work out. We started hanging out more and more and eventually started dating, I couldn't have been any happier and after waiting for so long I was with the girl of my dreams! However , it wasn't all a fairly tale she was still extremely affected from her past relationship and combined with my lack of relationship knowledge it was a rocky start. It eventually got better but she was unable to trust me , take me seriously ,and communicate with me. I felt that she didn't care and second and inadequate to her friends and family that she completely trusts. For the next year it was a roller coaster of emotions and eventually she broke up with me. I was confused, hurt, angry and sad and didn't know what to do ....I blamed myself and wished things could have gone a different way and I still believed that she was the one for me. I wanted to remain friends but ended up cutting her off for about 5 months. It was the worst feeling in the world to not talk to her , I missed her and thought about her every single day, she is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I couldn't convince my self to that thought that we may just be better off as friends. Fast forward to Sept 2011, we started to talk again and hang out all the time. We discussed our relationship and combined with her past issues and our inability to communicate and to trust me she wasn't able to take it and needed her space. At the time I was drowning in my emotions and didn't hear that she needed space and took it as the end of everything. About a month later We eventually started dating again and things were definitely better this time around. Although Communication was improved it still wasn't where it should be, but I had so much faith in the relationship that it work out with effort on both sides. This is the time when we started having sex, I was a virgin and she wasn't. And for the next year I was plagued with performance anxiety, and I couldn't overcome it, and 8/10 I couldn't keep it erect, and when I did I finished within a few seconds. Its not that I wasn't attracted to her, if fact in my eyes she was most beautiful person in the world. I wanted to perform so bad and make sure it felt good for her that it became a self fufilling prophecy that I couldn't shake off. Eveytime that happen I shut down and literally didn't know what to say and was unable to communicate with her about it, she was frustrated and tried to understand where I was coming from but I still wasn't able to overcome it. The only time I could keep it up was when we have been drinking a bit. This was a serious issue and neither of us could figure it out or communicate about it...after awhile combined with both of our schedules being hectic and crazy I felt that she was starting to push me away and it was even harder to communicate, we would get into more fights and I just felt like everything was going downhill again. I knew from the beginning that there was this "wall" up that she wouldn't let down and that I knew there was something behind it and see wouldn't let me in. It was clear again that she didn't trust me or was afraid of something. It was a roller coaster of great times, OK times, amazing dates, boring dates and I just convinced myself that everything will be ok. I used all the great times and the times we would drink when she would say how great I was, how happy I made her, and joke around where would live in the future and how awesome our relationship would be to fuel my desire and furthered my commitment to make this relationship work. I honestly believed that we would have an amazing future together and it would work out. Sadly, it would come to an end.....she broke up with me. But this time around I didn't shut her out, I truly love her and care for her and I needed to show that her by not being a coward and throw away everything we had. I didn't want to lose her and I was struggling whether to stay friends or to walk away, but it felt more right than wrong to stay friends with her even though my feelings haven't changed. What comes next, is literally life throwing me a curve ball...... ......as we discussed our relationship, there was something she was struggling to tell me I knew it and I felt it, I gave all the time she needed. At this point I realized she does care because if she was struggling to tell me something she didn't want to lose me and that I did mean a lot to her. Sparing all the details, she revealed to me she was gay and knew for a long time. Everything started to make sense, the "wall" , communicating, connection, intamcy etc... I wasn't mad at all and I totally support her I believe you should be able to love whoever you want to love and not be judged by it. We both knew we were right for each other and I was what she needed but it ultimately wasn't gonna work out. She said if she could I would be the person she would be with. We had a great conversation after and things were looking up..... I had been planning a vacation for 5 months to surprise her, everything was taken care of and literally all we had to do was get on the plane and go. This was the biggest gift I have ever given to someone and it only felt right to give to her and it felt so natural and right to do this for her. I revealed the surprised and she said it is the nicest thing someone has ever done for her. I have decided to go on the trip, knowing my feelings and potentially hurting myself emotionally because nothing will change between us. I have no intention of trying anything or changing her identity she is who she is and whatever our relationship is going to become, its going to be the best one. We still hang out all the time and talk but it just sucks that I can't hold her hand and kiss her or cuddle in bed. I struggle often with the decision I make to stay friends with her because its so emotionally tolling for me. I felt like I let her have her cake and eat it too, because she can keep her distance from me but know that I am always around and will do anything for her. I'm always going to want more but I know I will never get it from her. I love her and care about her and I know everything will be fine and we will be a part of each others life, we have come too far to throw everything away. I'm just struggling to be happy and making the best of the situation. Its gonna be hard for me to see her with someone else and it will be hard to get over her. ..this is where I am at and I need someone to listen to me.....I left out a lot of details to put context on it but this is generally it..... Thanks for listening....any comments are appreciated. **tl;dr** - me (25) broke up with girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, turns out ex-gf is gay, struggling with feelings knowing ultimately I cannot get what I want from her