|Parential Alienation 27 Dec 2011 | Posted by dkbsopd||27 Dec 2011 11:12 PM|
|I divorced my ex-wife nearly three years ago. I have since remarried and have had nothing but problems with my ex-wife.
My ex-wife first complained about the location of the house my current wife purchase (prior to our marriage) and how the kids are not comfortable because of how clean everything is. The kids have mentioned that their mother’s house is so dirty, including their bedrooms, which they are left to sleep on the couch, but that is the environment they choose. They are often left unattended, because my ex-wife attends night school to become a nurse. She voluntarily reduced her full time position with the company she works for in order to continue school. I work full time and attend school full time, without reducing my position with my employer. And with all of that on my plate, I have managed to have time for my kids. My ex-wife disregards the need for normalcy and consistency. Instead, she takes them out for entertainment while she disregards her obligations.
When I try to discipline the children, my ex-wife undermines my every effort. An example of this is when I tried to temporarily restrict my daughter from using her cell phone because she ran up two hours over her allotted minutes. Instead of supporting my decision, my ex-wife purchased her a new phone the next day. This is just one example of her effort to make me look like I am against my children and that I am unjust. Then, she demands that I pay for the phone, even though I was under contract with the phone I originally gave my daughter.
I try to help my kids with their schoolwork, and too feel good about themselves by taking promoting good hygiene. I try to teach them to pick up after themselves and to respect what they have, each other, and the people they encounter.
When I pick them up for my visitation they are filthy and argumentative. Both of my kids were given cell phones by my ex-wife and they constantly text each other horrible things about me. Recently, I caught my daughter sending a text message indicating that I had just laughed at her when she told me that she was ill. This was an outright lie. After confronting my daughter about the text, she decided to stay with her mom, despite the joint custody order.
My son has been with his mother for several months, claiming that he is yelled at too often. While addressing that claim, his complaint changed from it was "yelling," to it is my, "tone." He exhibits unwarranted hatred toward me when I try to work things out. In a further effort to bring peace, I have explained to the best of my ability why we have rules and that I am trying to prepare them for life, but the contempt and hatred continue.
My current wife and I are doing our best with providing a loving and caring environment for them. Homework is often addressed and they are expected to do their assignments. I want the best for my children and I know they fully understand that. My children have always struggled in school, but now that my son has lived with his mother, has several failing grades. My daughter has no interest in her homework or school and struggles with reading.
I have researched parental alienation and found that the content of the theory fits like a glove. BUT, there is no or little hope for recourse or resolve. How do I try to convince my children that I have their best interest at hand, that I love them with all of my heart, and that they are being mislead? My children disregard everything that I say or make extremely disrespecting remarks, like “I’ll just go live with my mom and get your money.” Or on another occasion, “I have no respect for you.” What child says that? This problem has been going on for over a year, but now my children are convinced that I am the villain.
There is so much content to this problem. I have sought counseling for my son and I and tried to communicate with my ex-wife. The counselor did not provide any feedback and nothing was resolved. The only thing that has resulted in speaking with my ex-wife is she twists my words to my children and tries to point out that I am a terrible father, which I know I am not.
I am stuck in this battle and I feel helpless. This nightmare has taken fruition and does not seem to give. I have sought counseling for myself and explained the circumstances to the best of my ability. I did not leave out the mistakes that I have made in order to get the best objective plan to successfully resolve or mend this problem. The therapist carefully pointed out that my ex-wife has similarities of a person with borderline personality disorder, a dysfunction that has little hope for improvement.
My heart is broken, my kids have no idea how much I love them despite how much I tell them and how much I do for them. Their mother has almost celebrity status in their eyes. Recently, my daughter told me that I tell her that I love her too often.
I am at a loss with how to deal with this problem. Legally, I feel as if I have no chance. With my children, I feel like I have no chance; but, I need help. Has anyone gone through this terrible experience and does anyone have advice for such a problem?
|29 Dec 2011 | Posted by ddlstar||29 Dec 2011 02:00 PM|
First -deep breath- give yourself some appreciation because you are a caring and involved parent- when others might give up under the circumstances. Some parents are more comfortable being the Disneyland parents- in which the children may feel a loyalty to until they have a chance to mature.
Second- go to a counselor for YOURSELF so that you can have a sounding board for this negativity, can gain insight into effective parenting strategies when there is a high level of dysfunction as well as back up for your own mental health in the event that incidents/your attitude/tone gets brought up in court. If you dont get strategies, change your counselor! Do not bring your children into any sessions= this is for your support.
Three- Make arrangements to go to your children's school and be an active and visible part of your children's school success. Also create a Parent Action Plan with their teachers - of which homework, acceptable behavior, emotional support and additional help can come from the school to help facilitate care for your children. Get tutors or mentors from the school to help. Enroll children in a buddy system to boost their self-esteem. Ask the teachers to document any suspect behavior or signs of abuse. This will also go on the record to protect you regarding any forthcoming allegations from your ex wife. Take classes, join seminars regarding any parenting issues- such as bullying, etc.
Four- Go to the Children's Physicians and schedule their Wellness visits. Or Have them go to a new set of physicians that you have chosen. You never know if poor nutrition, stress, neglect, dirt at their home, chaos etc may be contributing to their attitudes/mental state of being/feelings of worth. The doctor will also document your concerns- especially if there is a track record of illness, allergies, etc. that can be attributed to living conditions.
Five- Do NOT focus on your Ex! Let things ride with no drama as you work on the plan above- however, document all exchanges/incidents along the way in a time-based calendar.
Six- Do SOMETHING FUN with your kids to revitalize your relationship with them. IT might break the ice so that they can really open up to how they are feeling. Disable text messaging for any cellphones that you are paying for. Hope this helps!
|12 Jun 2012 | Posted by||12 Jun 2012 07:34 PM|
|I was perusing the internet and happened upon this article (a few months old). I married a man (together for 5 yrs.) who shares custody of his 12 yr. old daughter. We are experiencing the same type of "parental alienation". We recognize it and are struggling to make the right choices as to not further damage this child. As background, the ex agreed on two separate occasions to allow the child to live primarily with us due to her academic failure and angry outbursts. Even the child's counselor thought it was a good idea. But the stubborn, insecure mother backed out both times and preceded to revert back to the original parenting plan giving my husband alternating weekends. We had deviated from the plan by getting her every weekend for 2 yrs. We took her to court to get the time back but the Family Court Commissioner here in Washington unfortunately decided to side with the status quo and was unmoved by our evidence. My husband was acting pro se. Anyone who knows anything about brainwashing knows what we are dealing with. She is rapidly regressing; she is so disrespectful, morose, insecure, negative towards her father, manipulative, overly protective of her mother, immature, selfish and remains in a fantasy world. It seems as though we get some break throughs with her but we never know what the truth is any more.This little girl is so confused, she does not know what end is up and we are powerless to help her. I, as a stepmother, am starting to check out. The strings of sympathy I once felt for her are fraying. We are at our wits end. We will meet with the counselor but there too enters into a legal battle. I am not "authorized" to care for this child according to the mother. So I guess without going into the entire sorted history, PLEASE, someone advise me about a good book to help us through this and PLEASE, EVERYONE recognize that if more mothers are custodial parents in the U.S., mother then have ample time to villainize fathers!!!! Why are most articles and books geared toward the father-monster? There are bad mothers out there too! Thank you.|